


You Found Me

by SpoonyLupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cheesy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Gen, M/M, Male Bonding, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 08:17:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8005378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoonyLupin/pseuds/SpoonyLupin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fourteen months after the deaths of James and Lily, Sirius and Remus have let the stress of the situation drive them apart. They haven’t spoken in almost as long, but can a few well-placed words from Sirius bring them back together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Found Me

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including, but not limited to, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
> 
> Author's note: I wrote this fully intending to write a sequel where Sirius and Remus got together. However, I no longer have plans to write that, so you can read this as pre-slash or just friendship. Whatever you wish :)
> 
> In this story, everyone knows that Peter is the traitor and Sirius therefore never went to Azkaban.
> 
> The title of this is taken from the song of the same name by The Fray.

“‘A year is way too long to go without your best friend.’ That’s what he said.”

Remus swallowed hard, trying to keep his expression guarded. He kept his eyes on the book in his hands, although he could no longer register the words. There were all just a blur in front of his eyes. His heart had started pounding at Dumbledore’s words instead. He gripped the edge of his book so tightly, his fingers began to turn white. Could it really be true? Could Sirius miss him just as much as Remus missed him?

So many times over the last year, Remus had struggled with the knowledge that Sirius hated him. Why else would Sirius completely cut Remus, his so-called best friend out of his life entirely? They hadn’t spoken at all over the last twelve months, and sometimes, Remus wondered if Sirius even thought about him at all anymore.

But this…this didn’t sound like Sirius hated him.

“Did he now?” Remus asked, perhaps sounding more curious than he had intended. “You’d think he’d tell me that himself if that’s how he felt,” he added, trying his best to keep his tone casual.

“You know Sirius,” Dumbledore said, pressing the tips of his fingers together. He leaned forward slightly, as if he was willing Remus to listen to him. “He’s as stubborn as a hippogriff. He’s not one to admit he was wrong.”

Remus paused for a moment before snapping his book shut. “Well, that’s just too damn bad, isn’t it?” Remus hadn’t intended to take such a snide tone with the headmaster. After all, it was really Sirius he was angry at, not Dumbledore. Actually, he wasn’t even angry at Sirius. Not anymore. Just frustrated at the way things had turned out between them.

Undeterred, Dumbledore added, “He also said he misses you. A lot.”

Taking a deep breath and letting it out harshly, Remus replied, “Then tell him to come say that to my face.”

“I did.” Dumbledore leaned back on the sofa, putting his hands up slightly in a show of defeat. “He’s afraid. Afraid that you’ll just slam the door in this face, or curse him, or…tell him you hate him.”

Remus closed his eyes, feeling his resolve beginning to crumble. “Merlin, I don’t hate him.”

“He says you should and that he wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

“I never hated him,” Remus got out around the lump that formed in his throat. Hanging his head, he occupied himself with running his thumb over the worn spine of his book. “Myself maybe, for letting things get so out of hand.” Taking a moment to consider this, Remus said, “I don’t even know how in the hell it happened anymore. We went from talking every single day since we were eleven to…nothing.” He gave Dumbledore a slightly pleading stare. “How does that even happen?”

“You were both going through a lot,” Dumbledore offered. “James, and Lily, and…Harry.” The headmaster almost whispered the last name. There was still some resentment over James and Lily’s son going to live with his aunt and uncle. Sirius insisted until he was blue in the face that he would be a much better guardian for Harry than a couple of relatives he knew nothing about.

Perhaps that had contributed to the situation, because Remus had been adamant that Sirius really wasn’t in any position to be raising a baby. Although Sirius had admitted that Remus was right, he was still a little hurt that his supposed best friend wasn’t backing him in the least. Sirius was Harry’s godfather after all, and Sirius insisted that he could learn as he went, especially with the help of Remus and Dumbledore. Remus, however, still thought that Sirius having custody of Harry had been a bad idea and Dumbledore had agreed.

“Still,” Remus argued, “you’d think that we’d try and support each other through that instead of…pushing each other away.”

“It’s happened before,” Dumbledore said knowledgably. Sighing, he went on, “Great losses like that…they take a toll. I think sometimes each person gets so caught up in their own feelings and forget that they have someone else counting on them.”

“I just…I always thought that Sirius and I were different.” Remus frowned, running a hand through his hair. “You have no idea how many times we talked about just that.” At a questioning look from Dumbledore, Remus clarified, “Well, not exactly _that_. We never had any idea that James and Lily would end up dead and Harry would end up an orphan. Of course we didn’t. But Sirius and I always promised each other that no matter what happened to us, that we’d get through it together. We were in a war for Merlin’s sake. We knew that things were going to be rough, and we made a pact that we’d always be there for one another.” Letting out a soft breath of disbelief, Remus said, “Despite all that, we fell apart anyway.”

“If you feel like it’s such a mistake,” Dumbledore pointed out, “then do something to _fix_ it. I can tell you that Sirius is more than open to the idea.”

Remus could feel his resolve crumbling more and more, but still, he clung to what little of it remained. “I always promised myself that I wouldn’t make the first move. It’s the damn principle of the thing! If someone wants to be my friend, that’s fine. But I’m sure as hell not going to go chasing after someone that left me behind. I won’t!” Remus’s hands were balling up into fists, and his chest started to heave with every breath in and out.

“Remus,” Dumbledore said calmly and gently, “I don’t think it matters who makes the first step. I just think it’s apparent that someone needs to. You clearly miss each other, and I think this has gone on long enough. Don’t you?”

Remus didn’t answer the question. Instead he said, “I mean, Jesus, it’s Sirius! When has he ever been afraid of doing _anything_?” Letting out a heavy breath, Remus went on, “Sirius always made the first move. Always. Any time we had an argument of any sort, he was always the one to come to me to try and fix things. I would go back to building that wall around myself like I always did, and Sirius would resume tearing it down just like he did when we first met. He always takes the initiative.”

“Don’t you think it might be time for you to do that?” Dumbledore asked quietly. “Just this once? Don’t you owe it to him for all the times he tried so hard to maintain your friendship?”

“But he knows I never make the first move!” Remus argued. It had become apparent to him that he was looking for anything and everything to prove his point, but more and more, he was realizing that Dumbledore was right. Still, Remus was nothing if not stubborn. “If that’s what he’s waiting for…he should know he’d be waiting for an awfully long time.”

“Remus,” Dumbledore implored, leaning as close to Remus as he dared. “Don’t do this. I know Sirius _wants_ to hear from you, and I know he would welcome you with open arms. I know you want that too.” Gesturing towards the door to Remus’s flat, Dumbledore said, “If he came here right now, I know you’d do everything in your power to make it right.” 

“And that’s what he should do!” Remus insisted. He realized just how very old this was getting; he and Dumbledore were basically going around in circles and getting nowhere. “If that’s what he wants, then he should.” All at once, Remus thought he knew why it was so damn important for Sirius to make the first move. “At least then I’d know that he wants to fix this. That I wouldn’t be chasing after someone that’s moved on without me.”

“He wants to fix it,” Dumbledore said firmly. “Believe me, he does. You haven’t seen him. You don’t know how very desperate he is over this. But he’s proud too.” A shadow of a smile passed of the headmaster’s features. “Sometimes too proud. He’s afraid of being rejected the same as you are.” Sighing, Dumbledore added, “And given how stubborn the both of you are, this just may go on forever if one of you doesn’t do something.”

For a long time, Remus couldn’t think of anything to say to that. He could feel tears burning at the edges of his eyes, and he tried his best to hold them in. After a while, Remus simply admitted, “I’m just so afraid. Afraid that no matter how sad Sirius seems to be over this, that he’ll simply turn me away once I do show up at his doorstep. Maybe things will just be too difficult – we’ll stand there staring at each like we did a lot before we stopped talking altogether. Then he’ll think ‘the hell with this’ and close the door on me forever.”

“Perhaps so,” Dumbledore said. When Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise, Dumbledore explained, “You might not be able to work things out after all. Of course that’s a possibility. I’m not going to lie to you by insisting that it isn’t. But…isn’t it worth the risk? And…at least then you’ll know. Isn’t that better than sitting here, day after day, going over all the possibilities in your head? Even if he does reject you, at least you’ll know for sure, and you can stop obsessing over this and perhaps begin to move on.”

Remus shook his head. “I’ll never move on from this. He was my _best friend_. You don’t ever move on from losing that kind of relationship forever.”

“Remus,” Dumbledore said firmly, that ghost of a smile playing about his lips again. “Aren’t you listening to yourself? Your _best friend_. I know how very important he was to you – how very important he still is to you. And you’re right. Perhaps you won’t ever move on from the hurt this has caused you both, but…don’t you owe it to him to try? Don’t you owe it to yourself? If you could possibly fix this with him…wouldn’t that be wonderful? Don’t you want to know for sure? Don’t you want to get that back if you possibly could?”

Remus knew that answer to that. They both did, so much so that it didn’t even need to be said.

~~~~~~~~~~

Merlin, what was he doing here? This was madness.

Remus checked his watch for about the millionth time that night – or morning now. It was edging towards one o’clock in the morning, and Remus had been outside of Sirius’s flat for four hours now. Remus kept pacing up and down the street, wringing his hands together. Sometimes, he would get up the courage to approach Sirius’s door and even raise his hand to knock, but then he would chicken out again. He’d return to walking around in the street, worrying not just about Sirius’s reaction, but about the neighbors’ as well. It would only be so long before someone looked out of their window and spotted Remus at this ungodly hour. He may even have the Ministry or perhaps even the Muggle police showing up here at any moment, wanting to question Remus for his certainly suspicious activity.

Sirius was probably even in bed already, even though deep down, Remus knew he wouldn’t be. They had always been night owls, the both of them, and very rarely did they ever go to sleep before two or three in the morning. Things could have changed in the year since he’d known Sirius, though. Who knew?

In the end, however, Remus knew he was just looking for excuses.

Steeling himself for what felt like the hundredth time, Remus clenched his hands into fists and staked towards Sirius’s front door. Remus raised one of his fists to knock, but then hesitated. He kept his hand in the air for nearly a minute, feeling it shaking with pent up worry.

Why couldn’t he just do this? Why was it so very hard for him to admit to anyone that he had been wrong? That he really and truly needed someone as much as this? And god, Remus knew that was the truth. He missed Sirius so very much, so desperately that it seemed to permeate every single part of his being. He just wanted his best friend back. The only best friend he had ever had. The best friend that had well and truly grown to be his other half. Sirius completed him, and before Remus had started Hogwarts at the age of eleven, he’d had no idea just how much of himself he was missing.

No idea. How much of himself he was still missing, standing out on Sirius’s doorstep on that cold and frigid December night.

With that thought on his mind, Remus finally let his hand descend and pound on the door. Swallowing hard, Remus waited. And waited. It felt like an eternity already, even though it couldn’t have possibly been more than thirty seconds. It was then that Remus knew just how much he wanted and needed to fix this. How much he needed Sirius back in his life. How much it was killing him waiting for any sort of sign that Sirius was there.

And then it seemed to happen all at once. The door swung open and there stood his (former?) best friend in front him. He looked exactly the same as he had the very last time Remus had seen him, standing in his own flat before he’d walked out of Remus’s life for a year.

Sirius’s blue eyes were wide, and Remus could see him swallowing. Again, the time seemed to go on forever, even though Remus knew that only mere seconds were ticking by.

Finally, somewhere, somehow, Remus found his voice. “You can tell me to fuck off and to never darken your doorstep again. Or simply just slam the door in my face. Or a hundred other things I’ve been anticipating for…the last year. I’d understand if you did all those things and more. But if I don’t do this, it’s just going to drive me mad. I just wanted you to know that…a year definitely is too long to go without your best friend.” Remus said all this in a rush, and when he finally stopped, the silence seemed deafening.

After what seemed like forever, Sirius replied, “I’d…never in a million years tell you to fuck off.” His voice was dry and ragged sounding, as if he hadn’t used it in a long time. Or perhaps he was choked up with emotion. Was that too much to ask for?

Remus didn’t think it was, because he thought he could see Sirius’s eyes shimmering the tiniest bit with unshed tears. Sirius was never one to cry, and he was most likely trying to keep them inside as best he could, but Remus could tell. Remus could always tell. Even after all this time.

Neither one of them said anything for a long time. Remus was even beginning to wonder if things had been ruined between them – if their year apart had taken an irreparable toll.

But then, Sirius said, “I miss you, Moony. So much.”

His voice cracked when he said Remus’s old nickname, and Remus thought he would jump for joy at the sound of it. Jesus, hadn’t they gone well beyond the point of being able to use those comfortable nicknames? Remus supposed not, and it was so very good to hear his again.

“That’s what I was hoping you’d say,” Remus admitted. “I do too.”

Sirius stepped aside slightly, gesturing behind him. “Would you like to come in? It’s bloody cold out there.”

His throat too tight to speak, Remus simply nodded. He stepped forward over the threshold, being enveloped in the warm and comfortable environment of Sirius’s flat.

Not sure of what to do with himself at first, Remus hovered in the entranceway, his hands deep in his pockets. He didn’t exactly feel comfortable just sitting down, because he still wasn’t sure how this was going to go. Even though Sirius seemed open and anxious to talk to Remus about everything that had happened, Remus was still afraid that it wouldn’t last.

“Sit down, please,” Sirius said from behind him, closing the door with a _snap_. “Would you like some tea?”

Shaking his head, Remus slowly made his way over to the sofa in the front room. “No, thanks.” His stomach was in way too many knots to even think about trying to ingest anything at the moment. He just wanted to talk to Sirius.

Remus couldn’t believe he’d actually gotten this far. Never in a million years did he ever think that he’d end up in Sirius’s flat again. Were they going to talk things through and work them out? Or would they just end up arguing again like they had done so much of last year before they stopped speaking altogether?

Withdrawing his hands from his pockets and squeezing them together, Remus desperately tried to think of what it was he wanted to say. His mind, however, was blank. Perhaps it was the nervousness; Remus had always gotten a bit tongue-tied whenever he was put on the spot. Perhaps it was Sirius, standing in the doorway of the room and watching him; it always made him a bit uncomfortable when people hovered about.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Sirius said in disbelief. “I never thought I’d see you sitting on my sofa again.”

Remus smiled, thinking about how he and Sirius used to be so in tune. Oftentimes, they were thinking the exact same things, and they’d know it without even needing to voice it. They referred to it as their “twin sense”; not only did they think of themselves as brothers, but as twins, and it was comforting to know that at least this hadn’t changed.

“I never thought I’d be here again either,” Remus replied.

Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but then he apparently thought better of it. He looked down at his hands, frowning. When he looked back up at Remus, he said, “I am so sorry. For everything.”

There were those tears again, welling up in Sirius’s eyes. In all his years, Remus had never known Sirius to get the least bit misty-eyed, so he had to truly mean it. It was then that Remus knew everything would be okay.

“Me too,” Remus replied, then he winced. It felt like all he was doing was agreeing with what Sirius was saying. Now was the time to voice everything he had been feeling over the last year. He had so many things he wanted to say to Sirius, so many things he’d stored up over the last twelve months. Why then, was he coming up empty whenever he tried to find something to say?

“I take it Dumbledore came to talk to you?” Sirius said.

“Yeah,” Remus said, nodding.

“Thank god,” Sirius said around a sigh. He finally closed the distance between himself and Remus, plopping down on the sofa next to him. “Don’t think that I didn’t want to talk to you myself. I did. Merlin, I did. I’ve wanted nothing more for the last year. But…I just couldn’t.” He rested his elbows on his knees, staring down at the floor, unable to hold Remus’s gaze. “I was just too afraid of finding out that I’d ruined things between us forever.” He laughed unexpectedly then, a sound that made Remus jump slightly. “I know, Sirius Black afraid? Blasphemy, right? When have I ever been afraid of anything? I’m a bloody Gryffindor.”

Remus opened his mouth, but again, words failed him. He shook his head and sighed. “So am I,” he reminded, and for a while, it was the only thing he could think of to say. “Doesn’t mean you can’t ever be afraid,” he finally got out. “That’s nonsense. Because Dumbledore did everything but put me under the Imperius curse to get me to talk to you before I finally gave in.”

Sirius gave him a sideways glance, and Remus immediately corrected, “It’s not because I didn’t want to talk to you, because I did. I was just afraid too. Just like you.”

“I’ve probably been driving poor Dumbledore up the wall,” Sirius admitted, running a nervous hand through his hair. “I constantly asked him about you, because you know me – I worry.”

Remus could feel his breath catch in his throat. “Still?”

“Always.”

“I just…” Remus began, but then he stopped himself. He thought through his next words carefully. “I wondered if you still cared…if you even thought about me at all anymore.”

“God, always, Moony.”

“Me too,” Remus admitted. “Not a day went by that I didn’t think about you, that I didn’t regret what happened between us.”

“I’m not even sure what _did_ happen,” Sirius mused. “We just…kept fighting about Harry, and then we stopped talking altogether. Things got so awkward between us and…I didn’t know what to do to fix it.” Sirius gave Remus a helpless look.

Remus tensed at the sound of Harry’s name. So they were back to this – the very thing that had driven them so very far apart. “I’m so sorry, Padfoot.” Sirius smiled a bit at the use of his old nickname, but Remus continued on before he lost his nerve. “I was just trying to do what was best for Harry. I didn’t think that…we would be the best parents. I thought his aunt and uncle might be a little more stable than we were. They already had a child after all, and what did we know about kids – I mean, a werewolf and Hogwarts’ playboy?”

Sirius made a funny noise somewhere deep in his throat – something between a snort of laughter and scoffing sound. “If you only knew,” he mumbled. Before Remus could inquire further, however, he changed the subject. “I’m not even really mad at you for what you did. Not anymore. I was at the time, but…I’ve come to realize that maybe you were right. About everything. I really don’t think I would have been able to raise a child this past year. I’ve been an absolute wreck.”

Remus stared at him. He really never thought that Sirius would be such a mess over _him_ , over losing _his_ friendship. But was that really all it was? “Was it about me, or was it about losing James and Lily?”

“Both,” Sirius answered truthfully. “God, losing James and Lily was hard, but...it was next to impossible without my best friend.” Sirius raised his eyebrows at Remus. “I hope you know that – that I still think of you as my best friend. Even though I may not have any right to.”

“Oh, Sirius,” Remus sighed. He closed his eyes, biting his bottom lip at how out of control things had gotten in such a short time last year. “You were angry, I understand that. You had every right to be, and I’m sorry I didn’t back you up on something so important.”

“You said so yourself,” Sirius replied, “you were doing what you thought was best for Harry. I may not have liked it, but you have every right to feel the way you did. Harry’s well-being was on the line. If you were doing what you truly thought was best for him…” He broke off, shaking his head sadly. “I really can’t fault you for that.”

“I thought you hated me so much for it,” Remus said. “After all, you were the one that left and never came back.” Before Sirius could reply, Remus added, “And I’m not blaming you. We were both at fault for things falling apart, but I’m just…stating what happened.”

Remus could see Sirius swallowing. “I’ll admit, I was kind of hoping you’d come after me,” Sirius confided.

“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” Remus said. “Believe me, if I did, I would have come after you a lot sooner.”

Leaning heavily into the back of the sofa, Sirius muttered, “Jesus, just ask Dumbledore. I haven’t shut _up_ about you. ‘Is he okay? Has he mentioned anything about me?’ He never said you did.” Sirius glanced at Remus, who was surprised that it wasn’t in an accusing way.

“That’s because I didn’t,” Remus said, “but it’s not because I didn’t want to. I did. Very much so. But you know how I am. I was trying so very hard to pretend like I was just fine without you. Even though I wasn’t. I was a mess.”

“I asked Dumbledore so many times, ‘Do you think he wants to hear from me?’ Dumbledore just told me to go and talk to you if I wanted to know, but I was always too damn afraid.”

“As was I.”

“I was hoping _so much_ that he’d mention it to you,” Sirius said. “That’s one of the reasons I kept bugging him about it. I thought he’d eventually come to you and say that I missed you, and I needed you, and I was just too damn stubborn to do anything about it.”

“You and me both.” A wry smile formed around Remus’s lips. “Even after Dumbledore came to talk to me the other night, I fought him so hard. I made excuse after excuse, and I think he may have just been ready to knock us both out and lock us in a room together.”

Sirius snorted. “At least that would have made us start talking. I mean really, Moony. Why would I have been telling him all those things if I didn’t mean them?”

“I don’t know!” Remus exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “I was just so afraid that even if you did miss me, that you were still angry at me and hated me for what I did.”

“I never hated you.”

“I never hated you either.”

“You should know that Sirius Black doesn’t say things unless he means them.”

“I know that,” Remus said softly. “But people are still capable of feeling multiple things about a single person. You can still be angry at someone even though you miss them and want to be friends with them again. I just thought that maybe your anger was stronger.”

“I told you,” Sirius said, “I haven’t been angry about that for a long time. It took me some time to admit it, but I’ve realized that you were right. I forgave you for that a long time ago.”

“God,” Remus said around a heavy breath. He sunk further down into his seat and rested his head on the back of the sofa. Staring up at the ceiling, he said, “If only I had known.”

“What?” Sirius asked. “You would have been here pounding my door down?”

“Yes!” Remus cried. “I wanted to talk to you _so badly_. If I had any inkling at all that you felt the same way, I would have been here in an instant. Wild hippogriffs wouldn’t have been able to keep me away.”

At this, Sirius stared at him for a very long time. “I had no idea.”

“Of what?”

“That…you’d ever do anything like that for me,” Sirius whispered, sounding a bit breathless. “I know, I was always the one to take the initiative. Whenever we had a fight, I was always the one that chased after you.” He frowned. “Which, I guess, was appropriate, considering I was usually the one that fucked up.”

Remus shook his head firmly. “Oh, Sirius, you’re not. At least, can we agree that we were both at fault this time? We both had reasons to feel what we felt, and neither one of us was wrong, really. We just let our disagreement get in between us.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “We should have communicated more with each other. Just…things were so difficult, and it seemed like things simply blew up whenever I tried to discuss them, so I just stopped trying.”

“It was scary,” Remus added. He squinted, trying hard to remember things that had happened a year ago. “I was afraid that bringing up such a volatile subject would only serve to drive us further apart. I think we both tried sweeping it under the table, hoping we could go on without ever acknowledging it or working through it. But that only made things worse. We just stopped communicating altogether, because we were afraid of getting into a fight about _anything_. At least I was.”

“No, I was too,” Sirius admitted. “Even when we tried to talk about mundane things, it felt so forced and fake. Do you remember we tried talking about the damn weather, and we couldn’t even find more than two things to say about that? We just sat there in awkward silence for the rest of the night.”

“And that was the last time you ever set foot in my flat,” Remus remembered. “And I never imagined that that _would_ be the last time. I knew things were incredibly strained between us, and I knew that it would take a lot of work to get back what we had, but I never imagined that it would just stop altogether.”

“I didn’t leave that night with the intent that it would be the last,” Sirius explained. “I really didn’t. In fact, I came back several times.” He settled his eyes on the floor before he added, “I stood outside your door a lot, watching you through the window, trying to get up the courage to knock, but leaving before I could. I did that a lot in the couple weeks after we stopped talking completely.” He buried his head in his hand. “God, I’m aware of what a stalker that makes me.”

“Are you kidding me?” Remus asked incredulously. “Do you have any idea at all just how long I stood outside your door tonight? Try _four hours_.”

Sirius stared at him like he was crazy. “Moony, it’s freezing out!”

“Honestly? I wasn’t even really thinking about or registering that. All I could think about was you and wondering whether you wanted me to show up on your doorstep or not.”

“God, I did,” Sirius said softly. “So much. You have no idea.”

“Even now?”

“Every day for the last year,” Sirius said firmly. “Not a day has gone by that I haven’t wished for you to contact me. Or that I wished that I had the courage to contact you myself. Or wishing that I hadn’t been so stupid as to let you go in the first place.”

“We were both stupid,” Remus added. He paused for a long time, pursing his lips together, before asking, “Do you want the honest truth?”

“Of course,” Sirius said. “Isn’t that what tonight is about? Getting everything out in the open? Besides, I doubt there’s much we can say to each other right now that would ruin things even more than they already were.”

“Stranger things have happened,” Remus commented, “but…yeah. The truth is, I promised myself that I wouldn’t make the first move. I told myself that if we were ever going to fix things between us, it would have to come from you. Not from me.”

“And yet, here you are.”

“Dumbledore convinced me that maybe it was time I took the initiative for once,” Remus explained. “But I had convinced myself that you didn’t care about me in the least. That someone who cared about me couldn’t have turned around and walked out of my life like that. I thought that the only way I’d be convinced that you did care was if you came to me and not the other way around.”

“And now?” Sirius spurred.

Remus shook his head, suddenly too tight for him to speak again. He gestured towards the door, taking a moment try and get his voice working again. “I knew you cared the moment you opened the door and saw me standing there. The look in your eyes-“ Remus broke off, simply unable to finish his thoughts. “I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize that.”

“It isn’t your fault,” Sirius insisted. “I’d sort of convinced myself of the same thing – that if you cared in the least, you would have followed me and demanded that we work things out.” Sirius stared at Remus for a long time, the faintest smile playing about his lips. If Remus wasn’t mistaken, he was certain he could also see those tears springing up in his friend’s eyes yet again. “And you did just that.”

“A whole bloody year later.”

“Better late than never.”

Both Sirius and Remus had relaxed back into the cushions on the sofa; they were no longer tensed up like they had been before when Remus had just arrived. At this, Sirius spent some time smiling at his friend while silence fell between them.

“What?” Remus asked.

“It’s just that…” Sirius paused for a long time, apparently not sure if he should go on or not. Finally, he allowed himself to finish. “Things seem like old times, don’t they? Just sitting here talking?”

Smiling, Remus said, “Yeah. They really do. Speaking of which, you have no idea how much I’ve dreamed of this moment.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Of sitting here talking to me?”

“Yeah,” Remus answered. “I had dream upon countless dream that one of us finally worked up the courage to talk to the other, and it was just like this – like nothing had ever been wrong in the first place. And then I’d wake up thinking that things could never turn out like that.”

“Honestly? I have too.” Raising a hand to his hair, Sirius stared off at the far wall. “And god, you have no idea how long I’d sit here sometimes, running through every single possibility between us. Everything from things working out to you cursing me halfway across the room.”

Remus snickered. “I’d never do that to you. Not even when I was still really angry with you about everything. I’d never…do anything to hurt you like that. Never.”

“I know that.” Sirius nodded and added, “I think I’ve always known that. Why else would I consider you my best friend after not speaking to you for an entire year?”

Remus frowned. Even though he had been so very afraid of that possibility – of someone taking his place in Sirius’s life – he still really had no answer for that question. The only thing he could think of made him wonder which option was worse. “’Cause you didn’t have anyone else,” Remus suggested.

“Exactly,” Sirius agreed, “and don’t let that make you feel bad, Moony. Even if I had a line of potential best friends lined up outside the door, none of them could ever be you.” He leaned slightly closer to Remus and repeated, “Ever.”

Remus found himself smiling at this. “I have to confess, I worried that you would find someone else.”

“Please,” Sirius scoffed. “Who in the hell else would ever put up with me and my shenanigans the way you do?”

Letting out a soft breath of laughter, Remus asked, “And who would ever take care such great care of me the way you did?”

Sirius’s expression turned grim at once. “How have the full moons been going?”

“Okay,” Remus insisted, although both he and Sirius knew that he wasn’t being completely honest. “Well, better than can be expected at any rate, I guess.”

“You guess?” Sirius asked incredulously. “Moony, haven’t we already agreed that being honest from here on out is the best policy?”

“I am being honest!” Remus exclaimed. “I really am. All right, they haven’t been great, and I didn’t claim they were. They’ve been…bearable. I haven’t caused myself any lasting injuries during them if that’s what you’re asking.” After a moment of increasingly uncomfortable silence, Remus added, “But they would have been much better with Padfoot around.” Sirius let out a heavy sigh, causing Remus to backtrack slightly. “I’m not saying that to make you feel bad,” Remus said. “It’s just that you asked-“

“No,” Sirius cut him off gently, “I know I did, and I want you to be honest. Those weren’t all just words before. I just so wish I had been there. That was perhaps one of my biggest regrets – leaving you alone for full moons when I promised you I never would.”

“One of my biggest regrets,” Remus corrected, “was leaving you alone period when I promised you I’d never do that either.”

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius sighed, staring at his friend. “That too. But you know, I’d spend every single full moon as Padfoot, curled up here on the couch, watching the moon rise and fall outside.” He gestured to the two front windows that flanked the door and which looked out on the street. “And then I’d about be having a panic attack by the time morning came. I’d Floo to Hogwarts as quickly as I could and run up to Dumbledore’s office, asking if he’d heard anything.” Sirius shook his head. “Like I said, I think I about drove that poor man crazy.”

“You really did that?” Remus asked incredulously.

“Of course I did!” Sirius exclaimed. “Merlin, what do you take me for? We may not have been talking, and we may have had a horrible argument the last time we did, but I told you that I still considered you my best friend. I always have and I always will. Nothing will ever change that. And you should know by now that I worry horribly about my best friend.”

“I worried about you too,” Remus agreed, but then he reconsidered his statement. “I actually worried about you going out and doing something reckless and rash.”

“What?” Sirius asked. “Like getting myself chucked into Azkaban or something? Moony, I’m stupid, but I’m not that stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Remus argued, “but…” He trailed off, almost afraid that saying the words would somehow give them less meaning.

“What?”

“It’s just that…” Remus couldn’t believe this. He couldn’t believe how very well this was going, how normal everything felt between the two of them, and how many times he had heard a very special word already. “You keep saying Moony more and more as this conversation goes on.”

“That’s because I haven’t been able to use it for ages,” Sirius told him. “And I wanted to. God, I wanted to so badly. Can you actually believe I haven’t been able to use that nickname in a whole year? That’s nonsense.”

Remus hummed in agreement. “I thought about you all the time and how Padfoot was doing – what he’d do on full moons without his pack mate. Jesus, how did we ever let this happen?”

“We both got angry,” Sirius explained, “and said some things we didn’t mean. It happens to everybody. But what about you? You honestly haven’t found any other pack mates to run round with at full moons?” His tone was half joking, half not.

“ _No_ ,” Remus said flatly, but it wasn’t because he was angry at Sirius. He just simply thought that was probably one of the dumbest questions ever, all things considered. “Are you kidding me? Who else do you think I’d find? It took me ages as it was to find you, and James, and…Peter.”

Sirius scowled deeply at the mention of their former friend’s name, but Remus went on before Sirius could say anything. After all, they’d already said their fair share of things about that right after they found out he was the traitor. This night was about Remus and Sirius, and Remus wasn’t about to let anything spoil that for them right now.

“There aren’t exactly a line of potential best friends lined up outside my door either,” Remus said. “Not to mention, you know I don’t trust others easily as it is. Any potential friends, I’d have to tell about my lycanthropy, and after that, I could count on never seeing them again.”

“You don’t know that,” Sirius said indignantly. He always hated whenever Remus thought any less of himself. “There are some that already know anyway. What about – I don’t know – the Weasleys?”

Remus snorted. “Please. Can you imagine Molly listening to me while I talk about my worries of the next full moon? That woman gets uncomfortable enough as it is whenever the topic is brought up.”

“So she’s a little old fashioned,” Sirius said, trying desperately to paint Mrs. Weasley in a better light than Remus had. “What about Arthur? He’s a little more well-adjusted to those sorts of things than she is.”

“Yeah,” Remus said abrasively, “so he can then go home and share those things with his wife who will end up having a panic attack. Besides, none of them ever so much as offered to help me during the full moon. I know they’re not Animagi, so they couldn’t exactly spend the time _with_ me, but they could at least offer their help. You know – assisting in putting up protective spells or something. I’m not exactly going to go crawling to friends who are already well aware of my condition when they can’t even be bothered to check how I am or if I need help as it is.” Remus didn’t mean for his tone to come off as bitter as it probably sounded, but he couldn’t help it.

Sirius bit at his bottom lip. He shifted in his seat, turning to face Remus fully. Resting his elbow on the back of the couch and propping up his head with his hand, he said, “I’m sorry.” He paused for a long time before adding, “Dumbledore helps though, right?”

“With the spells and such, yeah,” Remus said, “but…it’s really not the same as having company.”

Remus actually didn’t know why he was admitting this. He was never one to confess that he needed help or to come right out and ask for it either. He supposed it was because of how very comfortable he felt with Sirius, even after all this time apart. Sirius had always been the one that he felt he could completely be himself around and share his deepest, darkest secrets with. After all, if finding out Remus was a werewolf couldn’t stop Sirius from wanting to be his friend, Remus rather doubted that anything could. It was comforting to Remus to know that at least that aspect of their relationship was still intact. At least for him.

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius sighed. “I am so sorry. I never meant to leave you to fend for yourself like that. I swear I didn’t. That was one of my biggest regrets in all of this, and I would have been there in a second if I’d thought I would have been welcome at all.”

For the first time since their conversation had begun, Remus could fear the sting of tears in his own eyes. Just like Sirius, he was never one to cry, so he supposed that that was a sign of how very important this was to both of them. Remus hung his head, looking down at the fabric of the couch while he attempted to compose himself.

“You always would have been welcome, Sirius,” Remus said, his voice quivering from pent-up emotion. Then in an attempt to try and divert the conversation away from the more sensitive topics, he said, “God, we’ve really been stupid, haven’t we? Letting our own stubbornness get the better of us and letting our relationship pretty much die, because we were both too afraid of what would happen. Meanwhile, here we both were, driving ourselves up the wall, wanting desperately to just come to the other and fix things…” After a moment of silence, Remus glanced up at Sirius again. “What took us so long?”

Throwing up his hands, Sirius said, “I have no idea. But…just sitting here with you, it feels like old times, doesn’t it? It feels like nothing at all has changed. I can’t get over that.”

“It really does,” Remus agreed. He almost reconsidered his next words for fear of sounding too mushy – this was Sirius, after all – but no. Remus had spent enough of the last year hiding the way he felt. If he wanted to say something, then he was damn well going to say it. Besides, he knew there was absolutely nothing he could say to change Sirius’s feelings for him. Not now. “It’s like a dream come true,” he finally admitted.

“Aw, Moony,” Sirius said, and for a moment, Remus almost expected him to wince at the cheesiness of the statement. But then Sirius smiled. “It is for me too.” He suddenly laughed and said, “I know it might sound just a bit cheesy…”

“Padfoot,” Remus interrupted gently, “there is _no cheese_. Never.”

Sirius laughed again, perhaps the most genuine one he’d had in the last year. This was an expression that the two of them had used many times over the years. Whenever one of them thought they were getting too mushy, they’d complain about sounding cheesy. The other, however, would always reply with, “No cheese!” letting the other know that it was okay and more than welcome.

“Right,” Sirius replied. “Well…would you stay with me tonight?” When Remus raised an eyebrow at him, Sirius clarified, “I mean, stay over? We could make popcorn, and stay up really late, and talk forever about everything that’s ever happened between us. Just like we used to do at Hogwarts.”

It was Remus’s turn to laugh. “I don’t know how much later I can stay up. I’m finding myself falling asleep at ridiculously early hours anymore, just like my father always used to.” He made a scoffing sound. “Merlin, I sound like my father.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Sirius disagreed. “Your dad was pretty damn awesome if I remember correctly. A lot better than mine anyway.”

“I just…” Remus stopped for a moment, covering his eyes with his hand. “I always thought my dad was so damn old when he was getting ready for bed at nine o’clock at night. Now I’m getting to that point. It makes me feel so damn old sometimes. I think it’s the full moon that does that to me.”

“Nah,” Sirius disagreed. “I do too sometimes.”

Remus looked at him sideways. “You? The Sirius Black that always said that the night was still young any time before midnight? Not to mention, when I started Hogwarts, and I wanted to turn in before ten to get a good night’s sleep for classes the next day, you were always the one that told me how going to bed before midnight was against the rules.”

Sirius snickered. “I did say that, didn’t I? Well, how were we supposed to pull pranks if we went to bed to bloody early?”

“That was the point,” Remus commented. “We weren’t supposed to.”

“What fun was that?”

Snorting, Remus rolled his eyes.

“Acutally…” Sirius began thoughtfully, but then he broke off.

“What?”

“I was just thinking,” Sirius said quietly, “maybe it was stress. You know from James and Lily.” He glanced at Remus and at the grim expression taking over his best friend’s face. Sirius didn’t say anything else, and he didn’t need to.

“It could be,” Remus agreed. “But you were awake tonight.”

Sirius shrugged. “I’ve been thinking about you – about us – more and more lately, and that’s been keeping me up at night.” Sirius frowned. “Weird though, that my sleeping habits seemed to improve a bit after James and Lily.”

“I can’t believe that we let one another go through that largely alone.”

Sirius scooted a little closer to Remus on the sofa. “We’re not alone now,” he said quietly.

“I know.”

“So you will stay the night?” Sirius asked again. “Even if we pass out in ten minutes like a couple of old men.”

Remus smiled, then laughed. Following Sirius’s suit, it was perhaps the most genuine sound he had made in ages. “Yeah.”

And that was what they did. Sirius spread out a bunch of blankets and pillows on the floor and then promptly made popcorn. When the two of them were sufficiently cuddled up in the blankets, they ate and talked until the sun started coming up. Remus couldn’t even believe it when the very first rays of early winter sunlight began gleaming through Sirius’s front windows. They’d had a lot of making up for lost time to do.

“God,” Remus said, throwing an arm across his eyes. “I can’t believe we’re still awake.”

“It’s the excitement,” Sirius said. “I’m exhausted, but I can’t even think about sleeping at the moment.”

“I don’t _want_ to think about it,” Remus said. When Sirius asked why, Remus explained, “Because I’m afraid.” He didn’t finish his thought at first, which left Sirius quietly watching him with a questioning expression on his face. Finally, Remus added, “If I do go to sleep, I’m afraid that when I wake up, this will all have been a dream. Just like all those ones I had over the last year. And I couldn’t handle that.”

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius said. He turned over onto his side, facing his best friend fully. “I know. I feel that way too. But I promise I’ll still be here when you wake up.” Sirius reconsidered this and added, “Unless I have to get up to go to the loo, which is a distinct possibility.”

Remus snorted, his eyelids drifting downwards despite his best efforts to stop them. The elation was still rushing through him, but with Sirius’s words, he found his anxiousness beginning to fade. That left him feeling very sated and contented.

“I’ll still be here, Moony,” Sirius repeated, and it was the last thing Remus heard as sleep finally overtook him.

For the first time in a long time, Remus fell into a peaceful sleep. Sirius featured prominently in his dreams, and for the first time all year, they didn’t seem like nightmares anymore, because they had finally come true.

_The end_


End file.
